Hey Dad, I See You

Guest author, Gail Smillie

Pushing your baby in a carriage. Playing in the snow at the park. Holding their little hand to cross the street.  What a sight! Makes me smile. Every time!

It seems to come so natural to you! Where did you learn it all?

Do you already know that the first period of exuberance of the brain (intrauterine and the first three years) is the time when the baby is “wiring” their brain and the time that is the most important for you to influence. No kidding! Our culture seems to think that it’s OK for the baby to play with cell phones, watch TV or be alone – unstimulated. No! That’s sure the worst thing that you can expose your baby to and you know it!! The baby is taking it all in – through their gaze – their eyes are the only part of the human body that comes adult size from the start – because that is the window to their brain receiving information that they need for the rest of their lives.

Not only that, but we can’t forget about how they are absolute geniuses when it comes to hearing your words – and converting your words into statistics in their brain. Yes!  they are taking stats!!! That’s why it is critical for you to talk to your child: read to them, tell them old tales, stories about animals, hockey, electrical currents, baking, mathematics or whatever is your passion. If they don’t hear the sounds, the words – during these sensitive periods of time, long before they are talking! – they will not be able to talk, read and express themselves later.  Amazingly, the pictures that neuroscientists take of a child’s developing brain can actually show the different coding for different languages. So, if you know more than one language, it’s OK to use them. No wonder they say that the brain has more neurons than there are stars in our galaxy!!!

And its so important that you partner with mommy –‘ cus it takes team work. And you fathers sure now about team work. Not to be too stereotyping, as I’m a female who loves team sports, but as I watch World Soccer right now, I’m struck by all the fans who get that no one person can always carry the ball. Parenting is like that.  It can be exhausting and different kids need different parenting at different stages and ages.  Just remember that kids don’t need perfect parents – just “good enough” parenting.

And I see that you know about the rhythm of parenting – follow, follow, follow, lead, follow, lead, follow, lead, follow (no don’t memorize that – its just an example). We all are more comfortable either sending our children off or welcoming them back. Either way, learn to do both.  “you’ve got this!” and “You need a hug” are both critical points of connection. And to recognize when it is a “take charge moment” to keep them safe.

Let me pause here. Some of you may be concerned that you did not get what you needed from your own parents. You may have asked for a “yellow marker” over and over for years. And your parent(s) never gave you a yellow marker. I’m pretty sure (its an educated guess) that they didn’t have one to give. Guess their parents didn’t have one to give them either.  But you want things to be better for your vulnerable and amazing child. Well….. I have good news, A famous MD researcher and neuroscientist proved that if you didn’t “get” secure attachment – you can tell its the best kind to get!! – you can learn it later and be equally as good a parent. That is absolutely the best news ever!

I don’t want to put pressure on you but ……… (by this point, I’m sure you’ve got it) you are really important!

Not only during this first period of brain exuberance but also during the quieter time (take a rest – you’ll need it!) in between the first and second period of exuberance of the brain. Yes – there is a second round. As puberty comes thundering in, evoking fear and delight – or as it sneaks up on you – because they’re in their room, not wanting to talk to you and not wanting to help anymore – yes….  everything changes.

Just when you thought you had this parenting thing down, you now get to learn even harder lessons. From about age 13 (some are earlier, some later- girls two years ahead, and that means, boys two years behind) to about age 25 – the prefrontal cortex is under construction.  The brain wires the area behind the forehead where executive functions reside: the ability to plan ahead, make decisions, have insight, and interestingly, one of the most important signals that maturation is happening, – the ability to hold two conflicting emotions at the same time; like I hate my dad but I love my dad. I want to quit school but I want to stay in school.

Its one of the most robust, creative, exciting times of life and yet they need their dad.  Listen and hang around. Its harder now but as critically – even life saving- important.

I’m sure I’ll see you again around town. And I’ll smile again. I’m proud of you. Hang in there. Do your best. Be your authentic self. Be the biggest toy in the room. Accept your child just as they are and …

HAVE FUN!!!!

Guest Author, Gail Smillie
Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology
Canadian Counselling & Psychotherapy Association Practitioner and Clinical Supervisor
Worked 40 years in the field of Children’s Mental Health
Lives in Canmore with her husband.

Gail recommends some books for Dads (and Moms) to read. Reading for Dads

For information on other books and programs, visit our Resources page.

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